


helium

by fadetodust



Series: wait, don’t leave me [2]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Cheating, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heartache, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Real Life, Romance, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-23 23:54:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20016850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fadetodust/pseuds/fadetodust
Summary: It’s been a year since Tyler bled out in Josh’s arms.Sequel to ‘sever all I knew’.





	1. Chapter 1

All Tyler could think was 'I'm sorry'.

Pain didn't suit Josh at all. His eyes that were usually two happy crescents were oddly wide and damp, and it stirred something uncomfortable deep in Tyler's gut.It was just wrong. So _wrong_.

He missed Josh's smile.

The smile that scrunched up his best friend's face and brightened every single dark thing that ever threatened to consume Tyler's messed up mind. The singer needed that smile more than ever right now. It would not be a lie to admit that he needed it more than he needed to take a breath, but he could not say so because his best friend was _kissing_ him. He wished he had done it much sooner as it instantly dimmed the pain radiating from his abdomen.

The snow was beautiful as it fell around them in the dark city lit only by mere street lamps adorned with red bows.Tyler had always loved the cold, and Josh knew that. The drummer would always scold his best friend for going out in freezing conditions without a jacket, discarding gloves and other necessities. Tyler would always shrug him off like it wasn't a big deal. But it always bothered the drummer so much and it only made Tyler feel _a tiny bit_ bad _._

"Thank you.” _For_ _everything_ he wanted to say _._

“Stay with me. Stay here with me, Ty. Don’t you dare leave me-“

Fear began to overtake Tyler's fading mind as the numbness settled in;a strange sense of heaviness forming deep within his gut, an intense pressure that told him he was running out of blood. _Running_ _out_ _of_ _time_.Tyler didn't like this kind of cold, it was very much different than a chilly Columbus day in November.This was an eerie cold that crept from deep within somewhere beyond the fringes of his mind and he couldn't place it because it seemed to be everywhere. Even so as the blood left him, the warmth from Josh's fingertips was better than anything he had ever felt, and he reached for it with everything inside of him, willing himself to stay.

“I love you.” Tyler wanted to say more than that. He wanted to roar, shout, claw, scream how much he was going to miss him. He tried to say just that, but nothing came out.His lips simply twitched with the effort, and Josh was still talking, a slew of words jumbled together that Tyler couldn't make sense of.His voice seemed to be getting further and further away.

There were harsh breaths against his face and it was so warm and felt so good that Tyler wanted to cocoon himself into the drummer and rest a little while. Just a little while. His lids were just too heavy, and he was unable to find the strength to open them even as Josh cried.

Tyler longed to tell his best friend that it would be ok. He wasn’t in pain anymore, so no need to shed the tears. He wanted to say ‘keep the band going without me. You can sing.’ He wanted to tell Josh to do anything but _give_ _up,_ because if Tyler knew his best friend as well as he believed he did, Josh would be following him shortly after. 

Life wasn’t fair, because even now, all Tyler wanted to do was express how much he loved his best friend. And _oh_ how he loved him. Those three tiny words would not even begin to do it justice. He did not know how to do this, this _dying_ thing, because as many times in the past when he thought he was ready to die, in the end he wasn’t. He would never be ready to leave Josh- - -

“Baby, wake up-“

Tyler's eyes flew open and he sat up in bed, his heart racing and practically hyperventilating as he clutched his chest. He rubbed his eyes before leaning over the bed to reach his phone that sat on the side table. "Ty, is everything ok?" Jenna's groggy voice rang out above his heavy breaths and he squinted down at the bright light to see that it was a little after 2am. "Tyler,"

"Yeah honey." He gave her a quick smile in hopes to reassure her and kissed her on the cheek. 

"It was another nightmare." She didn’t have to ask, voice concerned as her fingers dragged along the short stubble on his chin, eyes sad. "Another flashback?"

"Mhmm." He nodded, closing his eyes and gathering himself as his breathing returned close to normal.

"I'll get you a glass of water. Be right back." She pecked him on the nose before pulling the blankets off and leaving. Tyler sighed, a pain in his chest that found a home there long ago. Jenna was wonderful, absolutely amazing and he would be lying if he said that he even deserved her. Because the very fact that he was sitting there, in their bed, thinking about his best friend and how much he needed to hear his voice, see his face and not his wife's; that was enough proof for himself that she was too good for him. 

It didn't help that every night when he relived those painful moments where he felt his life slipping away, it was Josh who he had been terrified of leaving. It was Josh and the band and their memories they had made and the many they had yet to make that had Tyler's weak heart bleeding right there in the snow along with his gaping wound. And in the end, Josh was the last person he saw before everything went black. And he wouldn't have had it any other way.

He glanced down at his phone and tapped on Josh's name, opening the message box. What did he even want to say? What could he say? ‘I miss you and I can’t stop thinking about how you taste and I fucking love you and I wish you could hold me.’? No, he knew he was not allowed that. They were just friends. Josh was back with Debby, seemingly happier than they had been before the breakup. Jenna was an awesome wife, they were talking _kids_ even. He had to forget about he and Josh’s short-lived affair, he _had_ to. 

They had agreed to put it behind them, to remain best friends and try and salvage some normalcy in their lives after what had happened to Tyler. Josh had been by his side as he recovered, never complaining once although he knew it had to have been hard for the drummer. Knowing how his best friend felt about him and seeing Tyler live in domestic bliss with his wife had to have been torture, but Josh never batted an eye and never lost his smile as he helped Tyler regain his strength.

Tyler had fallen in love with him a little more every day, until finally it all came to a head when Josh had been helping him out of the bath and into bed. He was so careful drying him with the cotton towel, and Josh’s eyes had reddened with emotion when he gently touched Tyler’s healing wound. And before the singer could stop himself, he was leaning in and kissing him. It was the first intimate thing they shared since the hospital, and they both had stared at each other afterward in shock and fear as if this was really happening.

He swallowed, shaking his thoughts of Josh away, adam's apple bobbing when Jenna reappeared, a smile on her face and glass in hand.

"Here you go." She said as she handed him the glass of water and snuggled back into the covers. Then she caught sight of Tyler's face and frowned. "Honey, what's wrong? Are you crying?"

"Uh, no, _no_." Tyler sniffled and set his phone back on the table, deciding against texting his best friend in the middle of the night when he had his wife right there to talk to if he needed someone. “I'm fine. Thanks for the water." He gave her a semblance of a smile before chugging the whole thing down. She watched him with concern, knowing something was definitely not alright but hoping it was a mild case of ptsd and nothing more. Time would eventually heal that, right?

He laid back down against his pillow, rolling onto his side facing the large, dark room. He felt gentle fingers run along his back and he sighed, willing away the burn behind his eyes as a too-slim arm gently wrapped around his torso. 

“Baby?” Her lips were on the nape of his neck and he squeezed his eyes shut, trembling as his brain instantly imagined those lips belonging to his best friend. “I know it’s hard now, but it will get easier.”

He buried his face into the soft pillow and cried.


	2. Chapter 2

A whole year had gone by since the incident with the crazy fan when they found themselves finally preparing to leave for tour again.

Mark was ecstatic that they were going back on the road again, and he had kept the band’s social media accounts regularly updated for the clique. This was going to be huge because the boys had been out of the lime light for so long, their beloved fans were dying to get a glimpse of them.

Josh had demanded a new tour bus because he couldn’t bring himself to step into theirs. It brought back intense feelings he never wanted to experience again. When Tyler told him that wouldn’t be necessary, the drummer went ahead and paid for a new one out of his own pocket. He wasn’t going to argue with the singer. Maybe Tyler didn’t understand just how hard it was for him. He almost _lost_ him that day.

Things were feeling pretty good despite the way they had left off. The band mates had gotten back into their old routine. Seeing each other daily and practicing, Tyler showing him new material he came up with when he had been stuck on bedrest. 

Neither seemed to want to bring the topic of what happened between them up. It was as if they had never confessed their feelings, had never kissed or explored each other’s bodies. But Tyler was grateful that even after everything, Josh seemed content, happy.

They had planned a nice going away dinner for their girls before they had to leave for the tour, because it would be a few months before they would get to see them again.Tyler and Josh already had their bags packed and sitting in the tour bus when Josh's phone vibrated.

"Hey Debs." Josh smiled shyly, combing his hair back and checking his teeth in the mirror. Tyler scowled, tying his tie and sliding it up to tighten snugly around his neck. "Yeah, we are just about ready. I'll be there to pick you up in like five minutes." Debby must have said something to make Josh laugh and Tyler rolled his eyes. 

"C'mon, lets go." Tyler grabbed his blazer and stormed out of the bus. Josh quickly hung up with a soft goodbye and snatched up the keys before running out the door to catch up with him.

•

She kissed his lips, nuzzling her face into the drummer's neck and leaving little pecks against his skin. It absolutely made Tyler's blood boil.

The singer wasn't exactly sure why he disliked her so much.She was good for Josh, and Tyler wanted nothing more than for his best friend to be happy.He glared at her from across the table as Josh read various things off the menu, giggling every time Debby tickled his cheek with her nose. It made the singer's skin crawl.

Tyler's eyes were torn away suddenly when Jenna pulled him into a kiss, taking his breath away.She smiled as they parted and caressed his cheek lovingly, though he quickly set his gaze back on Debby, who was playing with the drummer's hair and curling it around her fingers.His pulse was beating loudly in his ears, and all he could think about as he picked up his own menu was how much he didn't want to be there.

"Know what you want, babe?"He asked Jenna impatiently, leg vibrating restlessly under the table as he tried to ignore his racing heartbeat, scanning disinterestedly through the dumb menu. He was not particularly hungry, but he was trying his best to make the night special for Jenna. He wasn't going to see her for a few months while they finished up the rest of the tour and so the fancy dinner served as a memorable farewell he hoped she would appreciate. But when Josh leaned over and whispered something into Debby's ear, making the girl blush and hide her face, it was all he could take.

"Excuse me." Tyler stood suddenly and stormed past the table, a napkin falling to the floor as the other three looked after him in confusion. 

Tyler swung the restroom door open and took a large gasp of air, loosening his tie and unbuttoning his collar.He hated long-sleeve button ups and he hated fancy dinners. He hated five star restaurants and he hated Josh's girlfriend. 

He groaned and splashed his face with water, spreading it through his hair and over his face several times before taking in his reflection.He breathed heavily, face flushed and stomach twisting. What was wrong with him?He was falling apart because Josh's girlfriend was what, acting like a girlfriend? He had no right. He had no fucking right after what he did to Josh.

” _Josh_.”

He bit his lip and felt his eyes burn. 

He brought this on himself.

It was all his fault. 

\- - -

‘ _Fuck_ , Tyler.’Josh collapsed on top of the singer, sweaty and grinning like an idiot.He captured Tyler’s lips, drawing a moan from the singer as he pulled out. Those callused fingertips trailed over his skin.A shoe jabbed into Tyler’s back and he laughed, pushing the drummer off and standing.Josh caught sight of the scar on Tyler’s stomach and he winced at the memories it effortlessly conjured up.

There was a long moment of silence as they stood in the walk-in closet, re-dressing themselves.Josh noticed Tyler’s fingers trembling as he buttoned his shirt up, and he told himself it was just the aftermath of his amazing love-making that had Tyler’s nerves on end.

‘We can’t do this anymore.’It was so sudden that Josh stopped mid-zip thinking he misheard the singer. 

‘What?’It was literally his only thought.

‘We can’t, I mean... _I_ can’t do this.’They were at his house, in his master bedroom closet of all places, Jenna downstairs in the kitchen.Cooking him dinner.The guilt gnawed at his insides as he watched the heartbreak flit across Josh’s face. 

Tyler couldn’t face him in that moment and he left the confines of the closet, leaving Josh speechless as he followed him out onto the balcony.The drummer felt like someone had dumped ice water on his head, but instead of feeling cold all he felt was static. 

‘Ty.’It was all he could manage, and it wasn’t even as if he was surprised.Of course he couldn’t have Tyler, of course.He was just hoping this could have lasted a little longer.Just a little.Tyler’s back was to him, his tan arms flexing as he gripped the railing. Josh was fighting nausea when Tyler turned around suddenly, taking Josh’s face in hands and kissing him with desperation.

Josh was overcome with so many emotions; love, desire, sadness, but it was all snuffed out by sudden anger when he tasted salt.He pulled away, shoving Tyler harder than intended and feeling only slight guilt at his lover’s distraught, damp face.“No, don’t do this. _Don’t_ _do_ _this_ _to_ _me_.’ And then Josh hid his face in his arms, unable to look into those honey brown eyes he loved so goddamn much. ‘ _Fuck_!’

How could Tyler threaten to take this away and then turn around and tease him with it.Dangle it right in front of his face, allowing him to take a little bite when he was going to hold it just out of reach again.When arms held him and he felt wetness on his neck, he whimpered.“No Ty, I need you, _god_ , I _love_ _you_ -‘ 

‘That’s the problem, Josh.” Tyler said brokenly against his ear.‘That’s why this has to end now.Before it goes too far-‘

‘Too far?Don’t you think it’s already too late for that?’ 

‘ Josh, you know I love you.’Tyler told him, pain in his voice. ‘I’ll always love you. But I can’t lead you on anymore.’ 

‘You’re not leading me on. I wanted this.’He said firmly.‘You’re all I want.’ 

‘I can’t leave her, J.She doesn’t deserve-‘ 

‘I’m not asking you to-‘ 

‘What we’re doing is _wrong,’_

 _’_ _god,_ Ilost you once and now it’s like-‘ Josh sobbed. ‘I feel like I’m losing you all over again.’

’You didn’t lose me. You never will.’ Their foreheads rested against each other, noses bumping. ‘I’m always going to be here.’ Josh simply nodded.

’You’re right.’ The drummer sniffled, hands gripping the singer tighter as if it was their last embrace. ‘what we’ve been doing-‘ 

‘Then please walk away.’Tyler said, taking a few steps back, his red-rimmed eyes pleading.‘Walk away from this now because I don’t think I fucking _can_.’Tyler’s lips trembled and he looked away as tears escaped his eyes.It took Josh’s breath away to see him in such a raw state. 

‘Hey boys!Food is ready...’ Jenna had waltzed right into the middle of something, it was obvious.The tension between the two men was palpable and neither acknowledged her announcement.

‘I was just leaving.’ And Josh walked away.

-

Tyler shivered, feeling his eyes prick with tears as he remembered Josh walking away only months ago. The pain was still raw, but he figured he deserved that pain for what he had done to the two people in his life that meant the most to him.

He pressed his thumbs into his closed eyes and blinked the tears away before he allowed any to fall. With a sigh, he stepped closer to the mirror that hung above the fancy sink."You're an idiot, Tyler."He said disgustedly to his reflection, hating the flushed face that stared back at him. "Get it together, man. Just get it together.”The singer shook his head violently, willing away the nerves before yanking his tie off and pocketing it angrily. 

He washed his hands more times than he could count for no reason at all except to maybe pass the time, then looked up to meet his pathetic face again. Tyler cringed before testing out a smile, blinking away the moisture that had formed in the corners of his eyes. He wiped at the tears angrily and took a deep breath."It's fine. You're fine. You can do this. Just act normal.” He told himself before exiting the restroom. 

"What's up with Tyler?He's acting weird."Debby said, a concerned look on her face.

"He's probably not feeling well.There is a stomach bug going around, right Josh?"Jenna took a compact mirror from her bag and began touching up her makeup. 

The drummer was so busy worrying about what could be wrong with his best friend that he hadn't heard the question at first.He wondered if he should go check on him. Something could really be wrong. But then again, maybe he just had to take a shit or something.

"Crap." Jenna dropped her compact onto her lap."Josh, hand me that napkin, will you?" She laughed, an annoying sound that grated his ears.The drummer handed her what she asked for as she retrieved the makeup quickly, cursing at some spots it left on her dress.That ugly ugly dress, Josh made a mental note.Did she not even care that Tyler hated that stupid dress? How could she forget? Even Josh remembered that.The drummer didn't know why he was fretting about her clothing choice, but he could not control it. He hated everything at the moment. He watched in annoyance as she carefully blew any loose powder off the compact before closing it and stuffing it back into her expensive purse.

"Joshy?" Debby pinched his arm."Hello, is there anybody in there?" She fell into a fit of tiny giggles. "Are you daydreaming about me?"

"Uh. Y-yeah.I'm definitely thinking about - about you." He said with a shaky laugh. Taking a large sip of his white wine he almost choked on when a disheveled Tyler appeared suddenly, falling into his seat. 

He immediately scooped Jenna into his arms, planting a deep kiss onto her lips.What had gotten into him, making out with Jenna messily in a fine restaurant, hair damp and sticking up at all angles with three buttons undone on his white dress shirt that was no longer tucked in? Josh fell into a coughing fit as he realized he was indeed choking on his wine.

"Josh? Are you okay?"Tyler asked worriedly, his swollen, kiss-bitten lips making Josh's stomach twist with jealousy. Debby patted him on the back as he coughed until his airway was clear. 

"Yeah, yeah. I'm just fine."Josh assured them with clenched teeth and a not-so-convincing smile.Tyler still looked concerned when the waiter appeared.

"Ah, lovebirds!I saw that kiss.Aren't we absolutely adorable?" The tall man with a loud voice and amazing hair that sat tall and swirly atop his head interrupted."And are you alright, sir? That's a nasty cough you have there, would you like some water?" The man gestured to the empty glass.

"That would be great, thanks."Josh said, clearing his throat and glancing at Tyler, whose worried eyes made Josh feel even worse somehow.He sank slightly into his seat and prayed to disappear.

"What will we be having tonight?May I suggest our specialty..." 

Tyler was ultra debonair, ordering for Jenna and making her swoon when he kissed her hand periodically, giving her suave looks and touching her leg ever so often as he continued to order.Tyler did not usually show this much PDA and it was making Josh's stomach turn uncomfortably.

The drummer could not hear what the server was saying, didn't really care. He honestly wanted to get the hell out of there, leave so he could try and forget about the stupid butterflies in his stomach. Forget about Tyler's lips on Jenna's. Forget about the boy he hadn’t _touched_ in months. Anything was better than this. 

"I-I'm not feeling so well." Josh said suddenly. And when he realized he was fixing to lose the contents of his stomach all over the table, he hurriedly got up and left with a barely audible, "I'm sorry."

He stepped outside into the fresh night air, trying to clear his head. He felt terrible for leaving but he just couldn't stay any longer. He buried his face in his hands, feeling his eyes burn. " _Shit_." He thought he could do this.Why was it so hard? 

"Hey there."Debby popped up suddenly, taking him off guard. "You gonna be okay? You're pale.Are you getting sick? Oh no, my poor baby." She stood on her tip toes and kissed his cheek."Let's get you home.We don't have to do dinner tonight."

"I'm sorry, Debby, I really don't feel so well." It was the truth. He felt awful and just wanted the night to end as soon as possible. 

"No worries."She smiled and took his hand, leading him to the car."I'll call Jenna and explain.You just get some rest, sweetie."He climbed into the passenger seat and let Debby drive him home. 

Josh’s phone chimed. 

It was Tyler. 

He sent it directly to voicemail. 


	3. Chapter 3

The pulsing bass thrummed through their bodies. The adrenaline of the screams and the amplifiers ringing in their ears gave them a high almost as intense as touching each other had. 

Almost.

It was still hard for them to believe that they got paid for this. And even though it took everything out of them, there was nothing they would rather be doing than laying their hearts out on the stage for their fans every night. 

And oh did they. The drumsticks hit harder. Tyler screamed louder. Josh stood on the piano and his shoulder brushed a sweaty, tan one. He back-flipped. Tyler danced his little awkward dance. Josh stared at his best friend. Tyler never glanced in his direction.

•

Tour days consisted of long drives and even longer nights, with Tyler spending the majority of that time in the small studio room in the back working on his craft and Josh locking up the bus. He made sure there were extra locks on the doors and windows. Tyler didn’t fight him on it.

Things hadn’t changed much in comparison to their last tour except for their security had doubled, and there was always someone outside on watch. 

Tyler still never was one to get much sleep and Josh worried about him. He watched Tyler work, giving the singer constructive criticism ever so often but mostly finding Tyler's creations flawless. He found _everything_ about his best friend flawless. Always had.

Josh was staring at him from across the cozy little room, watching the way white teeth chewed on the end of the pen; those string-callused fingertips sliding along the shiny plastic ink vessel the way they had scratched across milky white skin not so long ago.

The drummer watched the way Tyler’s foot tapped the floor repeatedly, because he always had so much energy and could never seem to use it all up. The urge to walk right over there and scoop his body up into a hug. To pull him into his arms and kiss him with everything he had. To run his fingers through the soft, dark hair on top of his head. To breathe him in.

It was _killing_ him.

Tyler glanced up, meeting Josh’s gaze briefly, and oh he wasn’t expecting that. Tyler hadn’t really taken a good look at him the entire night. So to seem as if he hadn’t been staring like an obsessed creep, Josh quickly averted his eyes. Drumming a beat against his knee with his fists seemed like a good idea at that moment.

 _He’s married he’s married he’s married_

He opened his phone and tapped the name that had become his lifeline whenever he felt himself drowning, and that was becoming a more often than not occurrence. 

“Josh!” She squealed so loud he flinched and held the phone away from his ear. “Joshy?”

“Hey princess.” He said softly, hoping her pretty little voice would be a sort of distraction from Tyler. When he looked up, chocolate eyes were watching him closely, and he was still chewing on that damn pen with an unreadable expression.

He shivered under the watchful gaze and decided it would be easier to talk to his girlfriend without an audience.

”Yeah I miss you too.” He told her, climbing into his bunk and curling into his blankie. “Uh huh, oh that sounds _hot_ baby. So sexy-“

"Josh.” Tyler was there, literally in his face out of nowhere causing the drummer to startle and drop the phone. His lips were so close, but his eyes were looking at Josh’s pillow, or maybe his hair. “It’s late, we should really get some sleep. Early morning tomorrow.” and he was gone as quickly as he had appeared, sliding into his own bunk beneath Josh.

The drummer let out a heavy breath and closed his eyes.

He wasn’t sure how he was going to be able to finish the phone conversation with Debby when the man he was in love with was in earshot, listening to him flirting with someone else. But Tyler had wanted this, begged him for it practically. He wanted them to be just friends like before, and Josh swore to himself he would be. He needed to do better, try a little harder to get over him.

He amped up his flirting with Debby, but when she began describing the nasty things she wanted to do to his body, he imagined it was his best friend doing those things and couldn’t stop from moaning audibly.

Josh shoved his fist in his mouth and bit down hard. Sounds from below him, and then there was music so loud it crackled from earbuds and Josh felt sick. Before he could stop himself he punched the low ceiling above him. 

“Josh, are you ok?” He listened to her voice, tried to focus on it to ground himself as he mouthed at his sore knuckles. He didn’t want to deal with this pain on his own. All he wanted to do was tell her, it was right there on the tip of his tongue. 

“ _Debs_.” His voice cracked. “I need, I need-“ he knew what he needed. He needed to not be in love with his best friend anymore. He needed his fucking heart to stop hurting so bad he couldn’t breathe. He needed to _get_ _over_ _him_.

“I’ll be there tomorrow, Josh. I’ll take the first flight.” 

He broke down. 

• 

Debby arrived when she said she would, and when she kissed Josh on the lips, he thought that maybe, just maybe he would be ok. Things would get better. She made him feel hopeful. 

It was easier with her there. He had a body to cuddle, maybe not the one he wanted, but he was a lucky guy to have her nonetheless. She never pushed him to expose why he was happy one minute and looking as if he would burst into tears the next.

“I love you, Joshy.” Her long hair framed both of their faces as she straddled his lap, peppering kisses all over his cheeks. He welcomed the affection, and hoped that one day he would love her the way she loved him in return. She deserved that. 

He reached up and tickled her sides, causing the small girl to collapse into a fit of giggles against his chest. He sighed, leaning his head back and body going limp as she kissed his neck and trailed a finger over his lips.

Tyler didn’t finish his TV dinner. He stood from the other end of the couch and threw cold chicken nuggets and macaroni in the trash bin before going to bed early. 

When morning came, Tyler didn’t wake him like he was known to do. He didn’t really see the singer at all until minutes before their interview with the radio station.

Tyler walked in, taking a seat next to the drummer. He looked like he hadn’t slept the entire night, eyes puffy and dark shadows below them. He stared at a spot on the floor and didn’t blink. Josh answered the first few questions that were asked them, and when he realized Tyler wasn’t going to talk, or even acknowledge the interviewer at all, he knew he had to carry this one all on his own. 

The brunette locked himself in the back studio room of the bus the entire rest of the day, finally reappearing an hour before the concert. The venue had them share a dressing room, and Josh watched Tyler dress from the corner of his eye. 

They said nothing to one another, Tyler not even glancing in his direction until they were on stage. Then things took a different turn, taking Josh by surprise when his band mate was extra touchy and clingy, causing the fans to erupt in screams. 

Josh tried to catch his breath, the singer’s arm slung around his shoulders as they bowed. He felt the hand slide from his shoulder down to the curve of his ass. Then Tyler was leaning his head against Josh’s shoulder and he turned and _kissed_ _it_.

His brain was short circuiting. Josh wanted to cry out of frustration. 

When they got back to the bus, the tension could have been cut with a knife. Tyler stormed into the large vehicle first, Josh not far behind. The crew knew something was up and they just watched on in awkward silence as the band mates went to the back, Tyler taking the shower instead of offering it to Josh first like he normally would.

Josh was confused, and hurting. His heart ached and he was angry. So angry that he thought for a split second that destroying Tyler’s keyboard and ripping his notebooks to pieces would be a good idea. Luckily, Debby walked in just then, changing his mind before his emotions got the best of him.

“Hey Debs.” He was breathing hard, but it was okay because she thought it was from the show they just played. 

“Oh my god, you guys. That was your best show yet, hands down!” 

“Thanks.” He leaned down to kiss her on the lips when Tyler walked through the door, a towel around his waist. He stopped and their eyes met as Josh continued to kiss his girlfriend. 

Tyler turned around to leave, closing the door gently behind him.

•

Debby was drooling on Josh’s pillow, taking up the entire sleeping space of his bunk when he walked into the kitchen to find Tyler sitting at the small table, spinning an empty can of Red Bull. It made the most obnoxious noise each time it clattered to the table. Hollow eyes stared at it spinning, not acknowledging the drummer standing just feet away. 

“What’s going on with you?” Josh asked him, his voice unwavering as he wanted an answer. Because he didn’t think his heart could take the mixed signals anymore. “You want us to be friends, well I’m _trying_. You hear me? I said I’m trying.”

Nothing.

Tyler’s gaze flicked away from the can as he looked down. Was that guilt he saw in those eyes? He spoke again. “What was that on stage tonight?”

Tyler still didn’t say anything.

”Tyler.” and Josh felt like he was going to hit something, or maybe scream. He turned on his heel and stomped away, knowing he would say some things he would regret if he didn’t. 

He curled himself around his sleeping girlfriend, but was unable to find rest.

Tyler never came to bed.

• 

It was another week gone by of cold shoulders and the quiet treatment. On stage, Tyler was the showman of showmen, except he had obviously made a point to keep his distance from the drummer. And though Josh was getting used to it, he hated it all the same.

It felt like they were becoming strangers, and it was the worst loss of all. Because he knew Tyler like the back of his hand, but this Tyler. He didn’t know this Tyler, and it scared him. To ease the ache in his chest, he crawled to Debby. She had left a few days before, so talking on the phone would just have to do. 

“Spent the whole weekend with Jenna.” Her voice was tired yet full of excitement as she spoke. “She is so pumped about trying for a baby when you guys get back. She must have spent an entire hour in the baby clothes section just looking at the little outfits-“

Josh’s stomach turned. Maybe calling Debby wasn’t such a good idea after all.

”Baby, what’s wrong? Do I need to get on another plane?” She asked, voice full of concern.

He wasn’t sure how she knew, maybe he made sounds when he was trying not to throw up and cry at the same time. He couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out.

“Debby, I’m not okay. I, I think we’re drifting apart. I don’t know what to do, I can barely concentrate on my drums and I’m basically living on coffee. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep-“

”Drifting apart? But baby, I love you.”

”No, me and, and Tyler.”

”Oh.”

”I think he hates me, Debs.”

”Not possible.”

”Things were easier when you were here. I can’t do this, I can’t.”

”You are wrong, Joshy. Tyler loves you more than anything. Everyone knows that.”

”Things have been different lately. He’s being weirder than what’s even normal for him.” He sniffled. “Hell, maybe I should just leave the band.”

”Are you crazy!?” She took a moment to calm herself down before speaking again. “Josh, just talk to him.”

“He won’t talk to me.”

“Find out what’s in that deep head of his and I’m sure you guys will work it out. You always do.”

 _I don’t think we can_ _this_ _time,_ he thought miserably.

”Don’t give him a choice, Josh. Make him talk.”

Josh laid awake that night, Tyler’s music blaring from his earbuds from below him, and he tried to come up with some way to make Tyler talk to him again.

Then it came to him.

•

”I’m leaving the band.” He said first thing in the morning as he poured a mug full of coffee. 

He didn’t turn around to look at Tyler who sat eating a bowl of cereal at the table. He cleared his throat, anticipating a response as he stirred creamer into the black liquid. “I, I’ll stay until the end of this tour. But once It’s done, I’m gone.” He felt bad for lying. He could never leave Tyler on his own, he just needed a fucking _response_.

He waited but got nothing. Not a peep. It didn’t work. He sighed. When he finally turned around, Tyler was staring into his bowl, not chewing, not moving except for his shoulders rising and falling with slow breaths. His hand lay against the table, thumb and forefinger playing idly with a napkin.

Josh knew it was a matter of time before the singer broke. He had to be patient to get what he wanted. So he pushed away from the counter, sipping his coffee as he walked passed Tyler and out of the bus.

When night fell and he found himself in his bunk, texting Debby about what he had done, he heard Tyler moving around. He peeked his head out of his privacy curtain and saw Tyler slip into the bathroom. 

Debs: what did he say?!?!

joshy: nothing :(

Debs: damnit! he has to eventually

Debs: he will come around 

joshy: yeah

He sent the last text when he heard sounds coming from the bathroom. It sounded like...

 _crying_?

Josh was out of bed in an instant, and he rushed into the bathroom to find Tyler sitting on the toilet. He spotted the scratch marks on his arms before anything, and the brunette turned quickly, hiding his face and wiping his eyes. 

“Tyler-“

”Go away.” He told him flatly.

Josh tried to ignore the stab in his heart at the words. “Talk to me.” 

_Please_ _just_ _fucking_ _talk_ _to_ _me_ _already_

”You want to leave?” 

“Ty-“

“Leave.” He stood suddenly. “Then _fucking leave.”_ He shouted, shoving Josh’s chest until he was in the hallway. “Just leave me!” Tyler shoved him again and again and again, but when strong arms wrapped around the hysterical man, he crumbled.

The drummer crushed him close to himself and he kissed his head as Tyler cried. ”I’m not leaving. I’m not leaving you.” He promised him. 

” _Josh_.” Tyler’s voice was muffled by the drummer’s shirt. 

“I just had to make you talk to me again. I was going crazy.”

“ _I’m_ _sorry_.”

”I know. I’m sorry, too.” Josh shushed him, and he wanted nothing more than to kiss the tear tracks that ran down the brunette’s face. Tyler whimpered, a broken sound.

“I don’t want to love you.” 

Josh stared into his glossy eyes, those cocoa pain filled eyes and he wished he could not relate. He wished so goddamn much. “I know, baby boy. _Trust_ _me_. I know.”

“What the fuck is going on here?” Mark’s voice was loud in the small hallway as he stared between the two. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for a small attempted-rape scene in this chapter.  
> Stay safe frens xoxo

“Mark, I can explain.” Tyler stammered, practically plastering himself to the wall in an attempt to be as far away from Josh as possible. 

“Oh jeez, Tyler. What’s going on?” He stepped toward them, brow furrowed.

”How much did you hear?” Josh groaned into his hands. This was it. They were out in the open. Nothing would ever be the same. He might as well really leave the band because it was all over anyway. He felt like he was going to pass out.

”I heard yelling and I came to check on you guys, but I didn’t expect to find Tyler crying” Mark’s eyes got bigger and he grabbed Tyler’s arms. “Did something happen to Jenna?” He asked worriedly, searching his friend’s face. 

Tyler’s panicked eyes met Josh’s in a quiet plea for _help_.

”Uh, erm.” _Come_ _on_ _Josh_ , _think_ _of_ _something_. “He and Jenna got in a real bad fight, man.”

Mark stared at Josh, eyes wide and mouth in a big O. “Oh no.” 

Tyler closed his eyes, wiping the snot from his nose with his sleeve. “It’s no big deal. I’m just soft, I’ll get over it.”

Mark fucking bought it, a gentle smile tugging his lips and he ruffled the brunettes hair. “Yeah, you’ve always been a softy, dude.” He chuckled. “I’ll pick up some of your favorite pizza tonight once we hit NY, ok?” Tyler nodded and Mark squeezed Josh’s shoulder before leaving them alone.

”Thanks.” Tyler exhaled, visibly relaxing.

“We will survive this.” And the look in Josh’s eyes had Tyler almost believing it.

•

It was a rare occasion to have a weekend free on tour, so when they found themselves without a show to play they spent the entire day sight seeing. Josh really wanted to see the Statue of Liberty, dragging Tyler to the top and looking out into the dark water.

They posed together in front of the beautiful view, Josh sticking his tongue out for the camera as he held his phone up to capture the moment in a goofy selfie. Tyler did bunny ears behind Josh's head and grinned widely. He felt his heart swell in his chest as it felt like things would be ok. They would be ok. 

Their feelings for each other were just something that was there, and they both were slowly learning to live with the fact that they were best friends in love. And to an extent, they were happy, just in the comfort of knowing how each other felt. They would get through it. Together. 

“Let’s get some ice cream.” Tyler suggested, hopping up and down with hopeful eyes as he watched Josh’s face grimace.

”It’s frickin freezing, Tyler. We’re not getting ice cream.”

”But, but _Josh_.” He whined before the drummer took his hand and practically ran, dragging his shivering friend down the sidewalk. “Where we going?”

”We passed a place a little while ago.” He told him, and when the building came into view, Josh slowed down. Tyler read the sign above the door, his face fell.

Since when did Josh like bars? 

• 

Tyler giggled uncontrollably at his phone screen from his place on the large hotel bed, still feeling the affects of the drinks Josh had convinced him to consume at the little bar. The singer face-timed his wife as often as he could, and she was kissing him through the phone, making Tyler blush and do the same, leaving wet smooches on the glass.

But when he face planted onto the soft duvet with a sigh, he turned his head to the side and caught sight of Josh standing by the window. Pouring another glass of the golden liquid he used to never drink. Josh had made a new love, it seemed, and it’s name was whiskey.

”Tyler, why did you get shit-faced without me?” She pouted. “I miss you. Tell Josh hi for me.”

Tyler told Jenna goodnight and smiled up at his adorable drummer who was collapsing onto the bed beside him with a groan. Tyler’s heart was in his throat as he stared at Josh’s beautiful face, his long lashes, his mouth that hung open slightly as he snored.

•

In the morning, Josh drank coffee and Tyler opted for water. The drummer had a pretty decent hangover, but a few pain pills and espressos later, he was feeling well enough to go out. 

With both of their heads covered with beanies and eyes hidden by sunglasses, they tried to blend into the crowd. It proved difficult what with there being a large body guard following them everywhere. It was bound to attract attention. 

Ever so often there was the random group of young people who recognized them. They didn't mind stopping to talk or take a few pictures. Tyler even offered a particularly enthusiastic girl his autograph. She cried when Josh hugged her, calling him a hero for saving his band mate’s life. 

Hours of window shopping later, they found themselves in Central Park. The breeze felt good, and the snow crunched beneath their boots, making Josh feel uneasy at the memories snow always brought, but he stuffed those feelings away before the lump could form in his throat. Their noses were red and Josh grinned at Tyler as they walked.

"Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose-" Josh sang playfully, making Tyler's cheeks grow rosier than they already were. Josh thought the singer looked stunning with the snow catching in his dark hair.

"If I'm Rudolph then you're Pennywise." Tyler teased.

Josh shoved him playfully then, picking up a handful of snow and forming a ball. "You take that back, Joseph!" Tyler fell into a fit of laughter, running away when Josh threw the snowball at him. He held his hands up in surrender.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding." Tyler told him, and he was smiling so big Josh could see his crooked teeth that he found so endearing. "You're not that scary." The singer said before falling backwards.It was like landing in a white cloud of shaved ice.His arms and legs moved up and down, creating a snow angel and Josh felt bile rise in his throat as visions of his best friend bleeding replaced the one in front of him. He closed his eyes until Tyler asked him what was wrong.

He swallowed thickly, opening his eyes and giving his best friend his most carefree smile he could manage despite how hard it was. He held his arms out and fell beside the singer, making his own angel. Tyler sighed, eyes closed toward the heavens as he began humming the melody to "Oh, Ms. Believer."

"I will tell you I love you." Josh sang softly, and Tyler turned his head to look at him then.Josh continued, "but the muffs on your ears will cater your fears." 

"You're an amazing singer, Josh." Tyler told him honestly, and that made Josh stop as he felt blood rush to his cheeks. "You should sing in the band."

"No way, I'm the drummer."

"At least backup, then."He suggested, knowing full well Josh would never.He just didn't do microphones or singing or anything that would contradict his introverted nature.

"You stick to singing, I'll stick to the drumming."Josh took Tyler's red hands into his own and blew warm air onto them.

"But you always sing for me."

"Exactly."Josh looked up into the singer's eyes."Because I know you like it.Only for you, Ty.Nobody else gets to hear this voice."He smirked before warming Tyler's bare hands again.

Tyler pulled away then and stood up, reaching a hand out to help Josh up as well.Their body guard was standing beside a tree in the distance watching them carefully and sometimes Tyler just wanted to run.To be a normal person, on his own without someone watching his every move.

That's one thing Tyler surely missed since the incident.Josh would not allow Tyler to go anywhere without protection, and he guessed he understood why. He liked to pretend like he was fine, but he wasn’t about to tell his best friend that his insomnia was due to seeing the face of his attacker every time he closed his eyes to sleep, or the pain in his best friend’s eyes as he begged him not to die. 

Josh was already dealing with a lot, he didn’t need anything else to worry about. 

•

Later in the evening when they found themselves bored in their huge, mostly empty hotel room, they made the grand decision to take a walk.It was after midnight and they knew it would be easy enough to escape the building without being spotted by crew or their security.

Josh knew how much Tyler wanted to go out on the town without being babysat and so he had peaked his head out the door, making sure the coast was clear before leading Tyler out a side exit.It just so happened to lead them to a stairwell and then out the back of the hotel.

"Josh, I love you so fucking much."Tyler told him enthusiastically as they ran.He was positively beaming with excitement.

"Tyler.If something happens I swear to god-"

"Nothing will happen."Tyler told him breathlessly."Let's just have some fun, and stop worrying so much.It's been a whole year, Josh."

Yes, it had been a while since Tyler had been attacked and left for dead. But Josh did not understand how the singer could put the incident behind him so easily. Josh felt like he would never get over it. If only Tyler knew the kinds of nightmares that kept him awake at night. Josh envied the singer’s ability to just _move_ _on,_ in more ways than one.

The lights on all of the buildings and skyscrapers were beautiful against the dark as the city slept. Josh held his best friend’s hand as he suddenly got an idea, telling Tyler to trust him as he lead the singer down a few blocks. 

It wasn’t too far, and his heart sped up in anticipation for Tyler to see what was just around the corner. He watched the singer’s eyes light up when the Christmas lights came into view. Tyler was speechless at the beautiful array of twinkling surrounding them. He was unable to make a sound as he took in the giant tree, strung with thousands of glittering lights. 

Josh’s smile was so big it hurt his cheeks as he watched the awe on Tylers face. “I promised you.” And then Tyler was looking at him, eyes glistening. Their breaths were visible in the chill of the crisp air and Tyler shook his head in bewilderment.

”How did I get such a cool best friend?” He said, a huge grin splitting his face. Josh laughed shyly, shaking his head when he suddenly realized Tyler wasn't wearing gloves. He quickly removed his own.

"I really don't need those, J.Got my comfy jacket."He argued as the drummer slipped them onto his hands anyway.

"Hush.You're wearing them."

Tyler sighed, looking out at the incredible lights surrounding them, Josh by his side, no eavesdropping body guards. It was nice.

”Thank you, Josh.” Tyler said, voice thick with emotion. 

“Don’t mention it.” Josh felt Tyler’s hand bump against his, intentionally, and they hooked pinkies. They stayed like that for a while until the cold wind picked up. 

They walked along, hand in hand for a good fifteen minutes before finding themselves in an area that was not as lit as where they had previously wandered through.Josh instantly felt a sense of unease as they turned another corner and it was even darker.Tyler gripped the drummer's arm as two dark figures appeared in front of them.

"Tyler, let's go."

Josh tugged on his arm, urging him to turn around and get out of there when one of the figures spoke,spinning a long object in his hand.

"What do we have here?"The man holding the crowbar spat, voice echoing off the brick walls of the alley."You pretty boys got something for me?"

"Yeah they do, Eddie."The second man said from behind the other one, a greasy grin on his face.It was difficult to see them properly from the spare amount of light and what the moon could offer, but they could see enough to know these guys were bad news. The one man was quite muscular and partially bald, a threatening look in his eyes.Josh instantly gripped Tyler and shoved the younger man behind him.

"We don't want any trouble."Josh told them, fear beginning to weave its way into his gut."We're leaving now."Josh started to backup, forcing Tyler with him as the singer peered over the drummer's shoulder at the two men.

The one called Eddie nodded to the larger man who instantly moved forward and grabbed Josh, tearing him away from Tyler and slamming him against the brick wall."Oh you're not going anywhere."

Tyler screamed as Josh's body hit the filthy bricks again and then _again_ , but then Eddie's hands were on Tyler and the singer swung. His fist landed against the man's stomach and he pulled back and swung again, this time hitting him in the jaw and causing the man to drop the crowbar. Tyler stared in surprise at his own burst of strength, but then Eddie turned his sore face toward Tyler slowly, a fury in his eyes that the singer had only ever seen depicted in _movies_.

"You little shit."He growled, grabbing Tyler's jacket and throwing the singer easily to the ground.Cheek pressed into cold wet asphalt, Tyler felt Eddie's weight on top of him as he jammed his dirty boot into Tyler's back.

Josh took a few punches to the gut before the bald man left him to crumple to the ground like a rag doll. He groaned, holding his stomach and peered through his lashes to see the two men crowding Tyler.

The singer was fighting, his gloved hands scratching at the asphalt and kicking his shoes into Eddie's lower extremities.

"Hold the fucker!"Eddie commanded and the larger man did just that as Tyler's pants were tugged down.

"No." Josh groaned as he watched the awful scene happening right in front of him.He saw the one called Eddie unbuckle his belt and yank it open, then he worked at the button of his pants.Tyler continued to fight, but every time he lifted his face from the rough ground, it was smashed back against it. His lip dripped red.

Tyler finally went boneless beneath the two men as his legs were exposed to the chill air and he knew it was useless"You get it first for hittin' me you little shit."Tyler's eyes burned as he thought of what they would do to Josh when they were finished with him.He was ready to accept what was coming when suddenly a hollow clang echoed throughout the alley, bouncing off of brick and followed by a heavy thump.

"What the fuck?"Eddie cursed as he looked up from the unconscious man on the ground to see a battered and fully pissed off Josh Dun standing above him with crowbar in hand.

He didn't hesitate before landing the heavy piece of metal straight into the side of Eddie's face.A shocked Tyler stared up at his bleeding friend before looking to the pile where Eddie lay sprawled on top of his accomplice.

"Josh."He breathed. The drummer fell to his knees and Tyler immediately took the torn gloves off to feel Josh's face, the back of his head, his stomach. Josh ignored Tyler's efforts to check on him, completely preoccupied with putting Tyler's pants back on.

"Come on, lets get out of here before they wake up. And I could really use a drink.” Josh pulled Tyler from the ground and coughed, holding his stomach and limping.Tyler held him up as Josh had trouble staying upright, the singer blinking away tears the whole way back to the hotel.

Tyler ran a hot bath and peeled the layers off the both of them down to their boxers.When he got Josh's shirt off, a gasp left Tyler's lips at the scatter of ugly bruises covering his friend's torso.

"Those assholes."Tyler seethed.He then checked the back of the drummer's head where a trickle of blood was wetting his hair. "Fuck, Josh look what they did to you."

"Look what they were going to do to you."He said, meeting Tyler's wet eyes as he lifted the glass to his lips with a shaky hand. 

Josh swallowed and sighed, and he brought fingers up to trace the scratches on Tyler's cheek. "I don't think any ribs are broken, so it's mostly just surface wounds."Tyler told him. He couldn't help the overwhelming feeling of relief that Josh was okay, alive, and he found himself cradling the drummer in his arms.Josh hissed in pain but wrapped his arms around his best friend’s waist.They stayed like that as the tub filled.He couldn't believe how they both got out of that situation alive.

“God Tyler, they wanted-" Josh's fingers dug into Tyler's hips as he buried his face into the singer's skin."They were going to-"

"Shhh.They didn't."Tyler ran a hand soothingly through curls." _God_ , you saved me again _,_ Josh _.”_


	5. Chapter 5

Josh was quite amused at how Tyler treated him like he was on the brink of death at every moment. 

If he wasn’t cleaning the cut at the back of the drummer’s head, he was checking his ribs, feeling the now yellowing bruises with his fingertips and giving him the puppy eyes that made the older man’s tummy flutter. Josh knew how his best friend felt, after all, he couldn't keep from panicking anytime a well-built man glanced in Tyler's general direction. 

He knew it was irrational, but he couldn't help the paranoia that everyone wanted a piece of his too-pretty band mate. Late at night, his mind was bombarded by new nightmares that joined the ones he was already suffering from. Now he got to relive almost witnessing his friend get defiled by not one, but potentially two filthy dirtbags every time he closed his eyes.

They had contemplated keeping the attack a secret. One ashamed he snuck them out without security and the other humiliated at being overtaken so easily. So Tyler phoned the police and reported the incident anonymously. It seemed like the right thing to do.

The drummer had worn shirts at every show at first, insuring nobody would notice his beaten torso as it healed. But once a few weeks had passed, the bruising had faded enough to the point where he could show off his physique again. 

They performed hard, giving it their all and pouring out all of their pent up stress and emotions and asking for nothing but acceptance in return. The guys were grateful that no matter what they or the clique were going through at any moment, there was just a sense of understanding and oneness that was indescribable.

Tyler watched in awe of Josh, beating the life out of his instrument, assuring his arms would be jello by the end of the night. Spit sprayed from Tyler's mouth as he recited the lyrics into the mic just the same as he had the night before and the night before that. Time seemed to just fly by and they barely had a moment for anything other than sleep, eat, interview, perform; repeat.

"We have the best fans in the world," Tyler yelled, raising his arms as the people roared throughout the venue. "Thank you for being here tonight. We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you-“

Once they were back on the bus, there were high fives all around. "Great show, as usual guys!" Mark congratulated them. This particular night, the crew decided to let loose with alcohol and dancing. One of the crew members, Hank was getting a little inappropriate with his moves. He was dancing entirely too close to Josh, and Tyler couldn't help but notice.

"Hey now, keep it in your pants, Hank." Tyler warned, taking a long pull from his drink. He wasn't sure how many he had had already, but he was definitely starting to feel it. 

Josh laughed as Hank swayed his hips to the music, grabbing Josh at the hips and pretending to grind against the drummer. "Dude!" Josh was losing it, holding his stomach and breathless with laughter when he met Tyler's eyes from across the room.

They held each other's gaze while Tyler finished off his drink and he tossed it to the floor before opening another one and chugging it. Josh pushed himself away from Hank who continued to dance in his drunken stupor, and Josh's eyes didn't leave Tyler's until he made his way to the hall that lead to the back bedroom, half empty bottle of whiskey in hand. Tyler swallowed the last bit of beer, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he dipped into the dark hall to follow Josh.

Tyler cursed Hank under his breath as he shut the door behind him, turning the lock. He spun around to ask Josh what the fuck that was all about when out of nowhere Josh's mouth was on him.

Sudden and hot, Tyler lost all coherent thought and all that existed in his little disoriented world was Josh. He moaned as Josh's soft lips moved against his, the beat from the loud music in the other room drowning out the sound. He was melting beneath his best friend’s mouth and the painful grip on his arms, but then the warmth was taken away.

"Shit, I'm sorry." Josh's hands flew up to grasp color-faded curls, a look of guilt on his pale face."Tyler, I didn't mean to do that. I swear I didn’t."

Tyler was breathing hard, his body still where Josh left him against the door, head spinning when he asked, "Why did you?"

"You _know_ why.” Josh couldn’t believe he asked such a stupid question. His dark eyes glistened as his heart and utter contempt for himself were at war with each other. The alcohol swirled in his stomach, and he thought he was going to be sick as his eyes trailed over his best friend. All flushed cheeks and messy hair and chest heaving and looking so fucking delicious his mouth watered. He let desire win as he surged forward and connected their lips again.

Tyler didn’t stop him. The singer moaned into it, tasting alcohol and gummy bears and cheetos and _Josh_. Josh who was pressing his hardness into his best friend’s hip. Their lips never quit, and Tyler gasped, sucking in air  whenever Josh allowed him an opportunity. 

He reached down, opening Tyler’s button and zipper; then after some clumsy fumbling, he finally had what he wanted. He pumped the singer’s half hard cock once, then twice, breath hitching at the way Tyler whined so beautifuly into his mouth. The sound was a drug.

The brunette pulled away long enough to grip Josh through his jeans, and the drummer studdied Tyler’s swollen lips as his band mate struggled to unzip him. The hand holding him up trembled against the door frame and it was all he could do to hold his weight, drunk on alcohol and high on Tyler.

When the singer finally had them both in his hand, pressing their throbbing erections together, Josh fell into him with a groan. The hinges of the door rattled as Josh bucked into his friend’s slick hand. Their breaths were heavy, desperate as they moved in sync at an achingly satisfying pace. The feel of flesh on flesh had him pressing his face into his best friend’s neck. 

“Mmm.”

“Josh,” Tyler panted. “Feel so good-“ Josh grunted in response, unable to say anything beyond groans of pleasure. “Touch me, J.” Tyler begged him. “Please touch me.”

It took a moment for the drummer to comprehend the words past the buzz in his head, but then Tyler was taking his hand and pushing it up his shirt. Josh felt Tyler’s stomach quiver under his palm and then he was spinning them around, falling onto the couch.

He was too out of his head to take care for the boy being crushed beneath him, but he didn’t seem to mind being trapped. Nowhere to go. Clothes peeled from skin. Thrown onto the stained carpet. 

Slim hips lifted, searching for something and Josh curled fingers around those hips, stilling them with a laugh. Josh’s tongue snaked it’s way over black tattoos and nipple and scar and belly button and when it caught the clear drop beading at the tip of his friend’s swollen cock,  Tyler gripped his hair. 

He dared go further and mouthed the warm ballsack and ducked his head down where it counted most before opening him up with his tongue. Tyler closed his eyes, involuntarily mewling as Josh worked him with his mouth and fingers.

The drummer moaned at the heady taste and Tyler was breathless, tugging Josh’s curls harder than intended. But the drummer was too preoccupied worshipping his band mate to care.

“ _Josh_.” Tyler sobbed, and his best friend moved up his body, red lips blotchy and wet and perfect. Tyler blinked lazily, pupils blown wide as his best friend gazed down at him. Then he was pushing in, slow and stretching the younger man until his face was twisted from ecstasy or pain.

It was sloppy, messy, and without finesse. Maybe it was the alcohol in their bloodstreams making it feel so damn good as their bodies became one, because surely heaven wasn’t supposed to be a place on earth.

”Ty-“ Hands swam along damp skin, hot and needy. The lamp beside the couch dimmed. Shook. And the drummer inhaled sweat-damp hair that smelled of coconut shampoo. “ _-love_ _you_.”

A sudden cry, and spurts of white jism shot between them, painting chests and searing into Josh’s soul as he felt Tyler shudder in his arms. 

Witnessing his best friend come undone, untouched, because of him had Josh following moments after.

The knock on the door sobered them instantly, it was so sudden, Tyler shot up, knocking Josh onto the floor. They both scrambled for their clothes, and Josh held onto the studio desk as the room began to spin. 

“Yo, you got a phone call, Tyler! It’s Jenna!” Mark yelled from the other side of the door, followed by shouts and laughter.

Josh wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or those words that were to blame, but he wouldn't be able to make it to a toilet before he bent over and vomited.

•

They played their shows where all seemed quite normal, but things changed as soon as they walked off that stage.

A careful pattern of avoidance had been set in place, where Josh made sure he was never in the same vicinity as Tyler if possible. Once in while, as was unavoidable, their paths would cross or their eyes would meet, but Josh was quick to look away and play as if it hadn't happened.

At one point Mark had pulled the singer aside before a show, asking him what was going on between the band mates. Tyler shrugged him off with a short "Nothing," leaving the video producer frustrated but helpless nonetheless.

It was familiar, this scenario Josh was playing at. Tyler wondered if it was some weird way of giving him a taste of his own medicine for when he had done the exact same thing. But Tyler had the feeling it was much deeper and more complicated than that.

Then the day came when Tyler had had all that he could take, and decided it was time to confront the drummer. He felt like he had lost his best friend over some stupid drunken mistake neither one was even in their right mind to control. He just wanted things to be back to the way it was before, back when they were best friends and their messed up feelings for one another didn’t get in the way.

They walked down the steps after a long exhausting show, sweat covering their bodies and still short of breath. Josh was once again ignoring Tyler as if he didn't exist. When Josh opened the door to his dressing room, Tyler forced his way in before there was a chance to shut him out.

"That's it." Tyler started. "I've had enough of you."

Josh turned around, eyes tired. "Tyler, what?"

"You! You are driving me crazy. You're avoiding me, and I- I can't do this anymore.” Tyler's voice cracked. "I need my best friend back. I need you.”

”Yeah _,_ being avoided isn’t real fun, is it?” Josh said, sarcasm dripping off his words. He saw the hurt in his friend’s eyes and sighed, reaching for his flask and taking a swig. “I can’t, I can’t look at you. I can’t be around you all the time when I’m not allowed to _have_ you.”

Tyler watched his best friend take another pull from his flask, noting the drummer’s bloodshot eyes. “Look, man. We have to work this out. For us, for the band.” Josh fell into a chair, elbows on his knees and head in his hands. “Mark knows something’s going on. People are noticing-“

"What do you want me to do?” Josh asked him, eyes wide and desperate. “What do you want from me?” He almost shouted.

“I don’t know.” Tyler said solemnly. “I don’t know. But not this.” He shook his head, feeling despair creeping in. “Not this.” 

And Josh wasn't looking at him again. He stared at his shoe and chewed his bottom lip.

"Look at me, Josh." Tyler told him. "I said look at me."

"I can't!" Josh shouted, but he was looking at him now, guilt stricken eyes shining and filled with pain. "I just...Tyler I-"

"Josh-“

"I’m going to ask Debby to marry me.”

It was a mystery why his heart plummeted all the way to the floor. Josh had never been his, anyway. He had no right to be upset; it didn’t make sense. The singer just stared at him, speechless. He simply made an exasperated sound as he tried to make sense of his life.

”Next month.” Mocha eyes never left the singer’s, but his jaw twitched in an effort to contain emotion. “When we’re back home.”

Once the information was properly divided, computed, and filed away in a part of Tyler’s brain he would never be able to erase, he found his voice again. “That’s, that’s _great,_ man _.”_

 _”_ Don’t say that when we both know you don’t mean it.”

”But it _is_ great.” And he did mean it. Maybe this would make things easier. Just maybe this could be the beginning of their end. “She is good for you. This is the way it’s supposed to be.” He was surprised at his ability to keep himself together, pulling his best friend into a bear hug. “This is the way it should have always been.” 

“Then why does it feel wrong?” 

“Do you love her?”

”I, I don’t know.”

”What do you mean ‘you don’t know’?”

”What if she says no?” 

Tyler rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right.”

“You better fricking be my best man.” Josh laughed wetly against his shoulder. “Be my best man.”

Tyler choked back the emotion swelling in his throat and tightened the embrace. “Well, I don’t really know, I mean, it could be a busy weekend for me so-“

”There will be tacos.”

Tyler grinned.

“I’d be honored, man.”

**Author's Note:**

> These poor boys...  
> Hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading xoxo


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